Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I'm the proud owner of aisle 4!
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
I might wake up early and go running ... but I also might win the lottery; the odds are about the same.
If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie; after a while it won't feel like you're alone anymore.
You can't make everyone happy; you are not pizza.
Choose a degree in something you love and you'll never have to work a day in your life, because that field probably isn't hiring.
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
As a young child my mother told me I can be anyone I want to be ... turns out this is called identity theft.
If we do not succeed, we run the risk of failure.
I'm still not sure if I understand ambiguity.
Perspective is in the eye of the beholder.
The world is full of apathy, but I don't care.
If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance.
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an "Escalator temporarily stairs - sorry for the convenience" sign.
- Mitch Hedberg, Comedy Central Presents
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.