One-liners

I know a lot about cars; I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

- Mitch Hedberg

You have the right to remain silent; anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

"I loathe people who keep dogs; they are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."

- August Strindberg

Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; depends on how much happiness you can handle.

-George Burns

I am always going the extra mile: because I never stop for directions.

I need to get in shape; if I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go!

On one hand, I'm indecisive, but on the other, I'm not.

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."

- Dereke Bruce, Taipei, Taiwan

George: Rich, ME?  No, I'm a pauper.

Gracie: Congratulations! Boy or girl?

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Dying is not popular; it has never caught on.

That's understandable; it's bad for the complexion.

- George Burns

Told the doctor I thought I had athlete's foot; he looked at me and said, "I don't think you have athlete's anything."

Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.