Anyone who says, "Easy as taking candy from a baby!" has never tried.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley
Every warning label has an awesome backstory.
The man who created auto-correct has died;
may he restaurant in peace.
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams
I accidentally typed my symptoms into IMDB instead of WebMD and it told me I have Gary Busey.
I don't care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I wish I loved anything as much as I hate almost everything.
"As for butter versus margarine, I trust cows more than chemists."
- Joan Gussow
Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden.
When I was little, I didn't care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me; looking back at some of my old pictures, it's obvious that my parents didn't care either.
If you lose one sense, your other senses are enhanced; that's why people with no sense of humor have an increased sense of self-importance.
When your toddlers are teenagers, don't forget to wake them up at 4:45am to tell them your socks came off.