One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

Bald man with glasses and blue striped shirt and tie looking directly at us with intensity.I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

Man sitting on the couch leaning forward with a book in his hands.I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

A young man in a red checked shirt, hands clasped behind his head looking shocked.I just found out I'm colorblind; the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Two Asian men laughing.Some people are like clouds; once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

A woman in a blue shirt with a long braid looking sad.Nobody told me that when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately.

A woman with a blue shirt and a long braid pointing up indicating she has a good idea.A recent study found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the global population.

A young man with a top-bun and folded arms in front of a wall of grafitti.To all the people who always said I'd never amount to anything because of my procrastination ... Just you wait.

A happy middle-aged couple sitting on bar stools looking toward us smiling.Some people need to finish chores before they can relax; others can't start chores until they've relaxed ... and those two marry each other.

A key fob laying flat in a woman's hand with her red car blurry in the background.Sometimes I think I'm reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or a third time for extra lockiness.

Two people sitting facing one another, nothing between them, talking to one another.At a job interview I was asked if i was a gossip; I said, "No, but I can tell you who is."

A middle-aged woman sitting outdoors, looking directly at us with a dead-pan expression.I'm writing a book on reverse psychology; please DO NOT buy it.

A young man in a red checked shirt, hands clasped behind his head looking shocked.Been renovating my place ... and when I knocked down a wall, I found a secret, fully furnished room!! Then I remembered ... we live in a duplex.

A young woman with curly hair, head tilted to one side, looking directly up and to her left, tongue in cheek.Incorrectly is the only word that, when spelled correctly, is still spelled incorrectly.

A man wearing a hat, standing in front of a blank wall, coffee cup raised, head cocked to one side with a self-satisfied expression.A lot of women say their husbands never listen to them; I'm proud to say I've never heard my wife say that.

A large man with glasses and a thin goatee looking down at us.Every time I try to eat healthy along comes Thanksgiving, Christmas, Wednesday or Friday to mess me up.

  1. One-Liner #1964
  2. One-Liner #1963
  3. One-Liner #1962
  4. One-Liner #1961

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