One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A man sitting on a couch, sleaves rolled up, book in hand, glasses on, looking directly toward us.So why is it that when Star Trek characters "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always find someone there?

A man in a white shirt, leaning forward with his arms resting on his legs, looking directly at us.I don't always carry all the groceries with one arm, but when I do my keys are in the wrong pocket.

A man with dark hair, glasses and dress shirt, pointing at us with both hands with a "gotcha" grin.A man loses three fingers in a work accident.

At the hospital he askes he doctor, "Will I be able to drive with this hand?"

The doctor replies, "Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."

An AI image of a man in a green t-shirt, beard, moustache, eyes wide and hands raised, astounded.My girlfriend told me she found a picture of me from when i was a baby; it was just a picture she took during our last argument.

Black and white photo of a man in his 30s with black hair, glasses and short facial hair looking off to the side thinking.I told my wife to embrace her mistakes; she gave me a hug.

A man in his early thirties looking directly at us from inside a house with blurry stairs in the background.My wife said I ruined her birthday, but I don't understand how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

A side view of a brown skinned man with a good looking haircut, left hand partially covering his mouth as he looks to his right disappointed.If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog.

A man in a blue T-shirt and backwards baseball cap doing a hand-palm to his forehead.I hate it when people act all intellectual and talk about Mozart when they've never even seen one of his paintings.

Close up of male hands on a steering wheel.My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday; that's the last time I get in the car with him driving.

A man with dark hair, glasses and short-sleeved dress shirt & tie, sitting on the grass with his legs out straight.It's so annoying when people use the wrong word & don't have the humidity to admit it.

A couple sitting at a restaurant table holding hands across the table. No faces are in the shot.My wife said: "That's the 4th time you've gone back for dessert! Doesn't it embarrass you?"

I said: "No. I keep telling them it's for you."

A woman leaning against a log, legs outstretched, eyes closed, resting in the sun.After 50 you're like an old phone battery; even when you charge yourself overnight for 10 hours, by 10am you're at 60%.

A woman with short red hair, a blue top and a hand over her mouth looking surprised.I'm not saying your perfume is too strong; I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.My wife is so far out of my league that the cashier put one of those plastic grocery dividers between our stuff like we weren't even together.

The head & shoulders photo of a woman in her 40s, short brown hair, grey sweater, looking directly at us with a blank expression.I've taken so many "before" photos when starting new diets that now I just have a slideshow of myself getting fatter.

  1. One-Liner #2030
  2. One-Liner #2029
  3. One-Liner #2028
  4. One-Liner #2027

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