One-liners

Just once it'd be nice to hear the word "sir," without it immediately being followed by,"you're making a scene."

When the moon hits your eye,

like a big pizza pie ...

that's a lawsuit.

The amount of people who confuse "to" and "too" is amazing two me.

If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions."

I sent that "Ancestry" site some information on my family tree and they sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over.

In the word "scent" is it the s that is silent or the c?

"If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die?"
- Chickens

I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say, "Hey, that one looks like an idiot!"

Early mornings are great for spending time with the family: then they spoil it by waking up.

When you interview for a position as a ninja, don't show up: you'll be a shoe-in for the job.

"If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side."
– Stuart Turner

Once you lick the frosting off a cupcake it becomes a muffin and muffins are healthy; You’re welcome.

A yawn is just a silent scream for coffee.

The only way I'm going to drop ten pounds is if I go shopping in England.

If ceiling fans could hold your weight, you'd never be bored again.