One-liners

"The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money."
- David Richerby

"It must be unbearably distracting to talk to young people if your name is Like."

The idea of becoming a totally paperless office looks good on paper.

Binary Barb: What part of 01001110 01101111 don't you understand?

Papering Over The Truth: It's especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock.

"I do have washboard abs - they just happen to have a little laundry on them at the moment."

"Some people have a way with words, others not have way."

"Hard work never killed anybody, but it does keep you off Twitter."

"I was good at math before they decided to mix the alphabet in it."

"If a double dip recession is so bad, why does it sound so delicious?"

"Call Waiting: Your call is very important to us so please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo."

Sign in a New York restaurant: "Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager."

"If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?"

"Forget this dead end town - I'm going to mime school!"

"Your wife wants to be treated like a queen - just not Marie Antoinette."