One-liners

"A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries."

"A healthy adult male consumes each year one-and-one-half times his own weight in other people's patience."

"A key ring is a gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once."

"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water."

­ Carl Reiner

"A man who correctly guesses a woman's age may be smart

but he's not very bright."

"A penny saved is a Congressional spending oversight."

"A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser."

"A procrastinator's work is never done."

"A reasent studdi haz shon dat peepal hoo aar werry samaarat end gudd lukeeng mak manee spallings misstake... Vatt iz yorr opeeneum?"

"A scientist can discover a new star, but he cannot make one. He would have to ask an engineer to do that."

~Gordon L. Glegg, American Engineer, 1969

"A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it."

"A stitch in time would have confused Einstein."

"Accomplishing the impossible only means the boss will add it to your regular duties."

"According to the Academy of Incomplete Research, 9 out of 10."

"Actually if ya think about it, you really don't need a whole lot of manners if you're driving a 35 ton truck."