One-liners

My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they're having fun; your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

Choose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life ... because that field isn't hiring.

My husband just fixed all of my anxiety... He said, "Just don't worry about it" and I can't believe I didn't think of that myself.

According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 days until Christmas.

Holiday Safety Tip:

If your birth year starts with 19, you should no longer wrap gifts on the floor.

Not saying I'm old, but ... When I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

I dance like people wish they weren't watching.

I had a job selling security alarms door to door and I was really good at it. If no one was home I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.

I just found out I'm colorblind; the diagnosis came completely out of the purple.

Some people are like clouds; once they disappear it's a beautiful day.

Nobody told me that when you get a husband, the ears are sold separately.

A recent study found that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the global population.

To all the people who always said I'd never amount to anything because of my procrastination ... Just you wait.

Some people need to finish chores before they can relax; others can't start chores until they've relaxed ... and those two marry each other.

Sometimes I think I'm reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or a third time for extra lockiness.