Entertainment

From a reference letter . . .

1 Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2 hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3 wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4 thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5 finishes given assignments on time. Often he takes extended
6 measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
7 breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8 vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
9 knowledge in his field I firmly believe that Bob can be
10 classed as a high caliber employee, the type which cannot be
11 dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
12 promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
13 executed as soon as possible.

Addendum:
That [goober] was standing over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly reread only the odd numbered lines.

Here is an all purpose excuse form, designed to get you out of the trouble you've gotten yourself into. Where there's a multiple choice, pick the one that works best for your situation and just go with it. You'll be surprised how effective this form can be if you just let your instincts guide you!

Dear

a) Mom,

b) Dad,

c) love of my life,

d) Assistant Principal,

e) Local Police Chief,

Words cannot begin to express how sorry I am that your

a) car

b) house

c) pet

d) espresso maker

e) left arm

was severely damaged by my

a) infantile

b) puerile

c) inept

d) comically brilliant but nonetheless sadistic

e) woefully under appreciated prank

How could I have known that the

a) car

b) jet ski

c) large helium balloon

d) rodent driven sledge

e) Zamboni

I was riding in would go so far out of control? And while it is true that I should not have pointed it in the direction of your

a) house,

b) wife,

c) Cub Scout troop,

d) 1/16th sized replica of the Statue of Liberty, complete with light bulb in the torch,

e) priceless collection of antique knitting needles,

you must understand that it was all meant in fun. The subsequent carnage that I caused is beyond my ability to

a) imagine,

b) fathom,

c) comprehend,

d) appreciate,

e) pay for,

and I must therefore humbly ask your forgiveness. I know that you are perfectly within your rights to

a) hate me,

b) sue me,

c) spank me,

d) take my firstborn,

e) gouge out my eyes with spoons and feed them to the fish in your koi pond,

but I ask you to remember all the good times we've had, joshing around at

a) school

b) work

c) church

d) the bowling alley

e) the municipal jail

and to remember that I am first and foremost your

a) friend

b) child

c) sibling

d) lease co-signer

e) only possible match should you ever need a bone marrow transplant.

I think that counts for more than one prank, especially one that

a) was so stupid.

b) was so silly.

c) would have been funny if it worked.

d) you would have done, if you had thought of it first.

e) I'm going to use again on someone else.

Sincerely,

Enter name here (or alias): ________________________

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.  He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.  "Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door and there is man standing at the door.  It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "can you give me a push??"

"No, get lost, it's half past three.  I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened and she says, "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you.  Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again?  What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"

"But the guy was drunk!" says the husband.

"It doesn't matter," says the wife.  "He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him."

So the husband out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.  He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts:
"Hey, do you still want a push??"

He hears a voice cry out "Yesh, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts: "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies: "I'm over here, on your swing."

My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth."

"Really? What did he get?"

"Fifteen years for theft."