Entertainment

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a 2005 Turbo Z123DX.  It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000.  He takes it out for a spin, and, while doing so, stops for a red light.

An elderly man on a moped (both looking about 90 years old) pulls up next to him.  The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?"

The young many replies, "A 1997 Turbo Z123DX.  They cost $500,000."

"That's a lot of money!", says the old man, shocked.  "Why does it cost so much?"

"Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!", states the cool dude proudly.

The moped driver asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure", replies the owner.

So, the old man leans up against the car, pokes his head in the window, and looks around.  Then, leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right."

Just then, the light changes, so the young man decides to show the old man what his car can do.  He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320 mph.

Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror.  It seems to be getting closer!  He slows down a little to see what it could be, and suddenly, whhooossshhh!  Something whips by him, going much faster!"

"What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo Z123DX?", the young man asks himself.  Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.
Whooosshh!  It goes by again!  And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped!

"Couldn't be," thinks the guy.  "How could a moped outrun a Turbo Z123DX?"

Again, he sees a dot in his rear view mirror!  Whooosh, Ka-Bbblaamm!  It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The young man stops the car, jumps out, and it's the old man!!  Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain.  He runs up to the moaning old man and says, "You're hurt bad!  Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man groans and replies, "Yes.  Unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror!"

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater.  When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.  The usher became impatient.

"Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager.  In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man.

Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied "the balcony."

A man walked into the office of the eminent psychiatrist Dr. Heidberg, and sat down to explain his problem.

"Doctor, doctor! I've got this problem," the man said. "I keep hallucinating that I'm a dog. It's crazy. I don't know what to do!"

"A common canine complex," said the doctor soothingly. "Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch."

"Oh no, Doctor," the man said nervously, "I'm not allowed up on the furniture."

The following are all quotes from 11 year-olds' science exams:

"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water."

"When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you expire."

"H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."

"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in test tube"

"When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"

"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state"

"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars."

"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."

"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."

" The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader "

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."

"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."

"Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."

"Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."

"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."

"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."

"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."

"For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops."

"For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.

"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has not recovered, then kill it."

"For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead."

"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.  All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum.  I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more extinct it is."

"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."

"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."

"Liter: A nest of young puppies."

"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."