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Expecting Moms...
Long before the pitter patter of little feet a seed is planted in fertile soil.. and the miracle of life begins.  Never thought your motherhood condition would be described with a farming analogy did ya?  Well this is where the farming analogy ends as the growing bundle of joy is safe inside mommy while the farmers field crop may be eaten by ravens.. BUT I DIGRESS..



Hello morning sickness..
This is a time of queezie stomachs, and strange cravings that only a mother to be and a man drinking beer while watching football can relate to. Some foods sound soooo good, while just the whiff of others make mommy a bit green.  Of course in the case of the man drinking beer all foods always look good.. BUT I DIGRESS.. #2





The baby bump.. It is that amazing time as mommy tummy grows.. and grows.. and GROWS.  Your inny belly button is now definately an outy. This all at first are welcomed as  amazing signs of this new life, but later mom to be says with a concerned look to her husband.. I look FAT.  To which the husband either should pretend he did not hear her, or be more diplomatic in his response than a republican politician at a womans rights rally during an election year.  Choose your words wisely and she will allow you to continue living.. after all her condition is ALL YOUR FAULT.

9 months is a long time.. After the queezy first few weeks and months pass mom will begin to feel better before she begins to feel worse again... as the BLESSED day approaches.  This is when the anticipation of baby's birthday is matched with being tired of your growing .. tummy.  Acid reflux, so tired in the evening, and then the pains begin.. the baby kicks. While it seems cute to hear of this new sign of new life.. I feel bad enough when I eat to much but I never want my food to kick me from the inside... BUT I DIGRESS #3

The other pains.. you will think you are going into labor, but these are what you call BRAXTON HICKS contractions.. aka practice contractions.  Now I have learned from experience to NOT tell your wife these are braxton hicks contractions unless you want your head BIT OFF at the neck.  Instead take her to the hospital only to be sent home a bazillion times when THEY tell her they were only braxton hicks contractions.  Again, do not tell her see I told you so." this will again result in the above mentioned head bitten off at neck. .. AND my wife would remind me.. YER NOT A 'BLEEPIN' DOCTOR! Well I knew that before she told me, and truth be told she did not say 'BLEEPIN' but she certainly implied it.

Finally after more false alarms than you can count.. it is D-DAY (delivery day)... and wer'e off to the hospital where the actual birth takes less time than the reading of my above pregnancy description.

to be continued below..

note: For some of you 'specially blessed' like my wife and I were with our third pregnancy there may be a time of bed rest.  

Bed rest is... welcomed news for someone like me after a long weekend of too much activity, but during a pregnancy this is a precautionary time where little activity by mom is prescribed to do all that can be done to ensure a healthy pregnancy.  For us, it was an anxious time with honestly plenty of concern where friends, family, and church joined together to make life still function.  Meals were brought in, childcare was provided for our two boys, and the true Grace of God was very real to us by the actions of his people.  We are forever indebted to these wonderful friends and family as after 5 1/2 months (yes 5 1/2 months) of bedrest and born 10 weeks early at 3lbs 13 oz was our daughter Erin.  Now she is all grown up and doing well BECAUSE OF the above mentioned wonderful friends, family, and doctors,.. and answered prayers by our loving God.  Because of this.. we were able to experience raising a TEENAGE GIRL.  Not a job for the fainthearted. BUT I DIGRESS #4

Birth.. from One Man's Perspective -- > click here  to follow the story of the birth of my first born.  Trust me, it is not a touchy feely Oprah like reading.  It is instead truly BIRTH from a man's perspective with all the feeling and sensitivity expected from a guy who colors for a living.

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Mother's Dictionary

Amnesia:
A condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Bottle Feeding:
An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2am too.

Defense:
What you'd better have aroun de yard if you're going to let de children play outside.

Drooling:
How teething babies wash their chins.

Dumbwaiter:
One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

Family Planning:
The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

Feedback:
The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

Full Name:
What you call your child when you're mad at him.

*If They Had a Doting Mother*

MONA LISA'S MOTHER: "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

COLUMBUS' MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

Unexpectedly the bells in the Quasimodo's tower began to ring again.

I have a hunch he's back!