One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A man in a hat with ear flaps standing with his arms resting on an old wooden gate.Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes; that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

A young man with a hand on his forehead looking perplexed.Learning English: Before was was was, was was is.

A man running away from us along a stone pathway along a river.I run like the winded.

A man in his early thirties covering a yawn.I finally got eight hours of sleep; it took me three days, but whatever.

young man sitting in a chair wearing a vest with his hand on his chin.My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

A woman outdoors, leaning against a wall with legs out straight, eyes closed, hands resting on belly, soaking in the sun.When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.

A man in his 40s, clean shaven with glasses, sitting on a couch looking directly at us.If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Close up of a dryer door.Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

Woman with fists clenched, both arms in the air, elbows bent, teeth gritted and crazy eyes.I had my patience tested; I'm negative.

High fore-headed man with full grey beard and glasses sitting under his nose looking directly at us.The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Older man looking to the side wistfully.I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

Middle-aged woman with short blonde hair sitting in a grassy field looking directly at us with a smile.When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

A man in his thirties, eyes closed, standing up and half covering his mouth while he yawns.It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

A man sitting at a table covered in items to sell, asleep with his head on his arms.Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

A graphic of a man wearing prison stripes holding the bars of his cell.When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

  1. One-Liner #1859
  2. One-Liner #1858
  3. One-Liner #1857
  4. One-Liner #1856

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