One-liners

If God can make a bug's butt light up, think of what He can do for you!

I wish my life had background music so I could understand what is going on.

Arguing with me is pointless - I realized I was wrong 10 minutes ago and now I'm just trying to make you mad.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

When one door closes another one opens; other than that it's a pretty good car.

Motherhood taught me just how far I can let myself go and still be okay with it.

I hate hotel bath towels ... so thick and fluffy I can't even close my suitcase!

If Cinderella's shoe fit so perfectly, why did it fall off in the first place?

Every time a bird craps on my car, I eat a plate of wings on the front porch to show them what I'm capable of.

Posted a photo of my clean house and it was flagged and removed as "Fake News."

I'll never forget the look on the cashiers face, when she scanned the packet of bird seed, and I asked her how long does it take for the birds to grow once I plant them.

Hey Walmart, don't get angry at me if I forget to scan something; you literally gave me zero training before making me a cashier.

When people tell me, "You're gonna regret that in the morning," I sleep in until noon because I'm a problem solver.

If you're ugly and sad, buy a fishing boat and just be ugly.

Easter egg hunts are proof that your children really can find things without Mom's help.