One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A black horse with a white star leaning its neck out over a fence on a clear blue sky day.Seen in a riding barn:

For fast riders, we have fast horses;
For slow riders, we have slow horses;
For those who have never ridden, we have horses that have never been ridden.

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.I'm not totally useless ... I can be used as a bad example.

A black man in a pink and blue striped t-shirt with a quizzical expression looking directly at us.I just heard my neighbor crying which means unfortunately she could probably hear me singing monster mash in different voices.

A mobile phone in someone's hand as they scroll.If you take a social media sabbatical, don't announce it, just make your last post something fun like, "I wonder if there's a bear in this cave?"

A young woman sitting in front of an open book, head resting on her hand, looking bored.People who say "go big or go home" seriously underestimate my willingness to go home - like, it's literally my only goal for most of the day.

A young woman with very curly dark hair, tongue in cheek looking up and to her left.Mind-blowing - Every "C" in Pacific Ocean is pronounced differently.

A young man looking directly at us with a somber expression.If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive ... they would eventually find me attractive.

A black & white image of a middle-aged man resting his face on the palm of his hand with his eyes closed.I'm awake, but in the same way that a single bar of WIFI is "connected."

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt, arms crossed looking annoyed.The fact that my entire body cracks like a glowstick whenever I move and yet refuses to actually glow is very disappointing.

A man sitting on a couch, sleaves rolled up, book in hand, glasses on, looking directly toward us.So why is it that when Star Trek characters "boldly go where no one has gone before" they always find someone there?

A man in a white shirt, leaning forward with his arms resting on his legs, looking directly at us.I don't always carry all the groceries with one arm, but when I do my keys are in the wrong pocket.

A man with dark hair, glasses and dress shirt, pointing at us with both hands with a "gotcha" grin.A man loses three fingers in a work accident.

At the hospital he askes he doctor, "Will I be able to drive with this hand?"

The doctor replies, "Maybe. But I wouldn't count on it."

An AI image of a man in a green t-shirt, beard, moustache, eyes wide and hands raised, astounded.My girlfriend told me she found a picture of me from when i was a baby; it was just a picture she took during our last argument.

Black and white photo of a man in his 30s with black hair, glasses and short facial hair looking off to the side thinking.I told my wife to embrace her mistakes; she gave me a hug.

A man in his early thirties looking directly at us from inside a house with blurry stairs in the background.My wife said I ruined her birthday, but I don't understand how. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

  1. One-Liner #2039
  2. One-Liner #2038
  3. One-Liner #2037
  4. One-Liner #2036

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