One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A middle-aged man in the middle of a big lawn.Me and my wife used to fall asleep watching movies together; now we fall asleep trying to pick one.

A close-up of strawberries on a counter - stems still on, uncut, piled high.A neighbor suggested I put horse manure on my strawberries. Tried it. I'm going back to heavy cream!

A man in a striped shirt, looking directly at us with hands raised in a shrug.I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's still making fun of me.

A young woman with crazy hair and a stressed expression.Me: What could possibly go wrong?"

Anxiety: "Sit down; I made a PowerPoint."

Two hands reading a braille book."Do not touch" must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.

A young girl wearing a white top, a jean skirt and pink boots with her back toward us swinging on a wooden swing.Remember when we used to jump out of the swing mid-air ... I miss those knees.

A bicycle built for two, being ridden by two young women.If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs, "ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?"

A black and white photo of a man in his 30s, with glasses and a close-cropped beard, looking off to his left, thinking.It's weird that I trust my left hand to drive but not to eat cereal.

An Asian woman with long dark hair, wearing a red dress, pointing toward us with a grin and a wink.FOUND: If you lost a wad of $20s wrapped in a rubber band, I found your rubber band.

A young man with a cup of coffee at an outdoor picnic bench looking off to his left smiling.I think the universe knew I would be too powerful if I could do math.

A woman with a long braid and blue shirt finger pointing in the air and a big smile with her great idea.Survival Tip: If zombies attack, go to Costco - there are cement walls, years worth of food, and tons of supplies. Plus, zombies can't get in without a membership.

An older man with beard, mustache and white hair peaking out under a brown hat, looking directly at us.If I had a dollar for every time algebra has helped me in real life, I'd have x dollars.

A young man with a top knot, arms folded leaning against a wall covered in colorful graffiti.People's IQs should be presented like the weather:

Actual IQ: 97
Feels like: 72

A young woman with very curly dark hair, tongue in cheek looking up and to her left.Sometimes people come into your life - and they need to stop doing that.

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt looking very smug.Sometimes tough parenting requires that you tell your kids that they need to clean their rooms before they can have a donut, while you sit eating donuts yelling, "Hurry, they are almost gone!"

  1. One-Liner #2009
  2. One-Liner #2008
  3. One-Liner #2007
  4. One-Liner #2006

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