One-liners

A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!

A black man in a pink and blue striped t-shirt with a quizzical expression looking directly at us.I can count the number of times I've been to Chernobyl on one hand ... It's seven.

Two minions, one short, one taller with their arms raised.Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

A black man in a blue dress shirt, finger on chin looking off to his right, thinking.A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark, so in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

Oatmeal porridge in a white bowl with 3 slices of banana on top.I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.

Two brown eggs in a carton with silly faces drawn on them with a marker.I just bought my coworker a "get better soon" card. They aren't sick, I just think they could do better.

A woman with a long braid and a blue shirt, hands on hips looking in disbelief and shock.I made my wife's dreams come true and we got married in a castle - but you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

Two wooden chess pieces with more blurred chess pieces in the background.Life is like a game of chess; I don't know how to play chess.

An AI image of a man in a teal shirt with his hands raised in a questioning gesture.They say "the machines of the future" will be as smart as people ... OK, but WHICH people? Because it kinda matters quite a bit.

An archeologist or a paleontologist sitting at the side of a dig-site recording notes on a pad of paper.Paleontologists recently unearthed the largest tibia ever recorded ...

It was quite the shindig.

Five ducks, two different species, swimming in a clump but facing three different directions.My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they're having fun; your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.

woman winkChoose a major you love and you'll never work a day in your life ... because that field isn't hiring.

A young woman with long curly hair and an orange winter coat looking at us pleasantly.My husband just fixed all of my anxiety... He said, "Just don't worry about it" and I can't believe I didn't think of that myself.

A woman with long braid and blue button down shirt looking very happy.According to my chocolate Advent calendar, there are only 3 days until Christmas.

A jumble of beautifully wrapped gits, with pink as the prominent color.Holiday Safety Tip:

If your birth year starts with 19, you should no longer wrap gifts on the floor.

Man sitting on the couch leaning forward with a book in his hands.Not saying I'm old, but ... When I was in school, we made our parents ashtrays for Christmas.

  1. One-Liner #1979
  2. One-Liner #1978
  3. One-Liner #1977
  4. One-Liner #1976

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