One-liners

"I think there is insanity in my family - they keep asking me for money."

"I thought about taking up snowboarding, but then I figured, why not just ram myself into a tree and save that long trip to the mountains."

"I took my parents back to the airport today. They're flying home tomorrow."

~ Margaret Smith

"I use my cookbook often -- to throw at people who suggest I cook. "

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes."

"I used to have a handle on life, but it broke."

"I used to watch golf on TV but my doctor told me that I need more exercise, so now I watch tennis."

I try to sell insurance to every telemarketer that calls me. My insurance company is Calvary Trust.

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory - you couldn't park anywhere near the place."

"I Used Up All My Sick Days... So I Called In Dead."

"I want instant gratification no matter how long it takes."

"I want my children to have all the things I never could afford - then I want to move in with them."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

~Groucho Marx

"I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on, but I can't afford one so ... I'm wearing my garage door opener."

"I went to see Pavarotti once and I'll tell you this much, he doesn't like it when you join in."