One-liners

"I have the most marvelous recipe for meat loaf - all I have to do is mention it to my husband and he says, 'Let's eat out!'"

"I honor my personality flaws, for without them I would have no personality at all."

"I keep losing the war on poverty because my money keeps fraternizing with the enemy."

"I keep trying to ostracize people but I can't get their attention."

"I learned something important about burning leaves - wait until they fall off the trees."

"I like pigs - dogs look up to us and cats look down on us but pigs treat us as equals."

"I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white man would be coming into my neighborhood after dark."

- Dick Gregory

"I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it."

- W.C. Fields

"I never make misakes."

"I put all my money into taxes; that's the only thing that's sure to go up."

"I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time."

"I said LUNCH not LAUNCH!!!!"

"I stayed in a really old hotel last night - they sent me a wake-up letter."

"I take music pretty seriously. This scar on my wrist, do you know what that's from? I heard the Bee Gees were getting back together again."

- Dennis Leary

"I think that someone must have surveillance equipment set up in my living room, because every once in a while, someone on the TV will tell me what channel I'm watching and that really freaks me out, you know?"