One-liners

"If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, press one now - if you are calling from a rotary phone, hang up and call back from a touch-tone phone."

"If you are good, you will be assigned all the work - if you are really good, you will get out of it."

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague."

"If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights."

"If you ever find yourself being ripped apart by a pack of wolves, try not to scream - everybody knows wolves can smell fear."

- Sean Alex

"If you haven't accomplished anything so far, then your best days are likely to be ahead of you - but then again, you should consider your track record."

"If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker?"

"If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip."

"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."

"If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say - talk in your sleep."

"If you're a cynic, everyone's corrupt - if you're an idealist, everyone's corrupt, except you."

"If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money in prolonging the problem."

"If you're not receiving enough attention in a store, try knocking over some very expensive antique lamps."

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

- Robert Orben

"I'm a pretty patient person - just as long as I'm not kept waiting for anything."