One-liners

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever ... we call those people cops.

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes; that would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

Learning English: Before was was was, was was is.

I run like the winded.

I finally got eight hours of sleep; it took me three days, but whatever.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free, it means I am doing nothing.

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

I had my patience tested; I'm negative.