A young minister and Mr. Sims, an elderly parishioner, were playing golf. The minister's game was off and the old man was beating him quite badly.
At the end of the game, the Mr. Sims tried to console his minister by saying, "don't worry, Reverend. One of these days you'll be burying me."
"Yes," sighed the minister, "but even then, it will be your hole!"
Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug. As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB. McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places. This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold." This, experts predict, will convince the public that, in over thirty years, no McDonald's hamburgers have ever in fact been sold, causing a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products. The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles. "The people who know-the sign-makers-are really scared of 100GB", one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."
My grandson, Justin, returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, "The music was nice, but the commercial was too long."
January 1, 2000 Re: Vacation Pay Dear Valued Employee:
Our records indicate that you have not used any vacation time over the past 100 year(s). As I'm sure you are aware, employees are granted 3 weeks of paid leave per year or pay in lieu of time off. One additional week is granted for every 5 years of service.
Please either take 9,400 days off work or notify our office and your next pay check will reflect payment of $8,277,432.22 which will include all pay and interest for the past 1,200 months.
Sincerely, Automated Payroll Processing
'Twas the night before New Year,
and all through the nation,
We awaited Y2K,
the millennium sensation.
The chips were replaced in computers with care,
In hopes that "Ol' Bugsy" wouldn't stop there.
While some folks could think they were snug in their beds,
Others had visions of dread in their heads.
And Ma with her PC and I with my Mac
Had just logged on the Net and kicked back with a snack,
When over the server there arose such a chatter,
I called Mister Gates to see what was the matter.
But he was busted, so I flew like a flash,
Off to the bank to withdraw all my cash.
When what with my tearing eyes should I see?
My old ATM, as sick as could be.
Back on the net, The "Master Hacker" was looking so smug,
I knew he was spreading the Y2K Bug!!!
His image downloaded in no time at all,
he whistled and shouted, "Let all systems fall!!"
Go Intel! Go Gateway! Now HP! Big Blue!
Everything Compaq, and Pentium, too!
All processors big, all processors small,
Crash away! Crash away! Crash away all!!
All the controls that planes need for their flights,
All microwaves, trains, and all traffic lights.
As I drew in my breath and was turning around,
out through the modem, he came with a bound.
He was covered with fur, and slung on his back
was a sack full of viruses, set for attack.
His eyes - how they sparked! His fingers how hairy!
As midnight approached, things now became scary.
He had a broad little face and a round little belly,
and his sack filled with viruses quivered like jelly.
He was chubby and plump, evilly grinning,
and he laughed when my hard drive stopped spinning.
A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
soon gave me a new feeling of dread.
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
he stopped all the clocks, then turned with a jerk.
With a twitch of his nose, and a sly little wink,
all things electronic soon went on the blink.
He zoomed from my system, to the next folks on line,
to spread mass disruption, like a creeping vine
Then I heard him exclaim, with a loud, hearty cry,
Happy Y2K to all, Kiss your PC's good-bye!
Each day, enjoy a CleanLaugh here. Want the latest clean jokes e-mailed directly to you? Subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest at www.cybersaltlists.org.
We think Cybersalt's collection of Christmas jokes is the best collection on the net. Right now it features over 70 jokes.
If you've got a Christmas joke we don't yet have, please send it to us so we can add to the collection!
It's your turn to be funny. Submit your funny caption today.
Cybersalt's funny pictures collection has been years in the making and continues to grow. We are also in the process of moving images over from our old site so check back often. Don't forget to check out our funny cat pictures, funny dog pictures, funny elephant pictures, and take your turn to be funny.
Here's where we keep our funny car pictures.
Over the years, some of the most popular pages on the Cybersalt site have featured Funny Cat Pictures. We have to admit that even though cats often look at humans like they owe the feline world something (remember dogs have owners and cats have staff), cats aren't as bad as a lot of the press that they get.
And so, whether you are a cat lover or tolerator, we hope you enjoy these funny cat pictures. And, of course, if you have any funny cat pictures you want to share with the world, feel free to send them to us to post here.
Some say the world can be divided into two types - cat people and dog people. For the cat people of the planet, Cybersalt has the Funny Cat Archive. For the dog people we have this Funny Dog Pictures archive.
It's dedicated to the memory of Maggie - Pastor Tim and family's dog. The SPCA rescued Maggie from Manitoba's Red River flood in 1996 and brought her to British Columbia where she had two short term owners before becoming a part of the Davis household where she preferred adults over kids, picked and ate fruit from trees in the backyard, and very rarely went into water at the beach.
Here's our funny horse pictures collection.
We think Cybersalt's Funny Christmas Pictures Collection is the best on the net.
We hope you'll enjoy each one and share them with your online family and friends.
Merry Christmas!
When Pastor Tim finds (or puts) fun things on the net, he posts them here. If you would like to be updated when new things are added, just subscribe to the Cybersalt Digest Newsletter. Enjoy!
Our collection of puns.
Our collection of funny signs.
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Chickens have grown to have a special place in Cybersalt's heart!
