Entertainment

One Sunday in a Midwest city a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.  The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.  Finally the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.  Just before reaching the safety of the foyer the little one called loudly to the congregation, "Pray for me!  Pray for me!"

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A daddy was listening to his child say his prayer "Dear Harold".  At this, dad interrupted and said, "Wait a minute -how come you called God 'Harold'"?
The little boy looked up and said, "That's what they call Him in church.
You know the prayer we say, "Our Father, who art in Heaven, Harold be Thy Name."

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And this particular four-year-old prayed: "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

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During the minister's prayer one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews.  Gary's mother was horrified.  She pinched him into silence, and after church asked: "Gary, whatever made you do such a thing?"
Gary answered soberly: "I asked God to teach me to whistle...  and He just then did!"

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One night Mike's parents overheard this prayer: "Now I lay me down to rest, and hope to pass tomorrow's test, If I should die before I wake, that's one less test I have to take."

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A five-year-old said grace at family dinner one night.  "Dear God, thank you for these pancakes..." When he concluded, his parents asked him why he thanked God for pancakes when they were having chicken.
He smiled and said, "I thought I'd see if He was paying attention tonight."

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A little boy's prayer: "Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.  Oh, please take care of yourself, God.  If anything happens to you, we're gonna be in a big mess."

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A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy: "So your mother says your prayers for you each night Very commendable.  What does she say?"
The little boy replied, "Thank God he's in bed!".

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A woman invited some people to dinner.  At the table, she turned to her six- year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?".  "I wouldn't know what to say," the little girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the mother said.  The little girl bowed her head and said, "Dear Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

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Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room.  After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.  "Fine", said the pleased mother.  "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you." "Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny.  "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

My brother dropped off his wife at the hairstylist and she was supposed to call me when she was ready to be picked up. She must have dialed a wrong number, she reported later.

She called, and a man said "Hello," to which she cheerfully said, "Come and get me!"

The man said, "Are you sure? This is Mitchell's funeral home."

Americans are always on the lookout for a new diet.  The trouble with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet), or you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat diet).  Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after 3 days, or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over.  Is there nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends you have a gland problem?

Well, now there's the new Toddler Miracle Diet!  Over the years you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year-olds are trim.  It came to me one day over a glass of water and a carrot that perhaps their diet is the reason.
After consultation with pediatricians, X-ray technicians, and distraught Moms, I was able to formulate this new diet.  It is inexpensive, offering great variety and sufficient quantity.  Before embarking on this diet, however, be sure to check with your doctor -- otherwise, you might have to see him afterward.
Good luck!

DAY ONE Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one piece of toast with grape jelly.
Eat 2 bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor.
Take 1 bite of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes.

Lunch: Four crayons (any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (3 sips only, then spill the rest).

Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickel, 4 sips of flat Pepsi.

Bedtime snack: Toast a piece of bread and toss it on the kitchen floor.

DAY TWO Breakfast: Pick up stale toast from kitchen floor and eat it.
Drink half bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye.

Lunch: Half a tube of "Pulsating Pink" lipstick and a handful of Purina Dog Chow (any flavor).  One ice cube, if desired.

Afternoon Snack: Lick an all-day sucker until sticky, take outside, drop in dirt.  Retrieve and continue slurping until it is clean again.
Then bring inside and drop on the rug.

Dinner: A rock or an uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril.  Pour grape Kool-Aid over mashed potatoes; eat with a spoon.

DAY THREE --- Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat one with fingers, rub in hair.  Glass of milk; drink half, stuff other pancake in glass.  After breakfast, pick up yesterday's sucker from rug, lick off fuzz, and put it on the cushion of your best chair.

Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  Spit several bites onto the floor.  Pour glass of milk on table and slurp up.

Dinner: Dish of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some red punch.

FINAL DAY --- Breakfast: A quarter-tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive.  Pour a glass of milk over bowl of Cornflakes, add a half cup of sugar.  Once cereal is soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog.

Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor and dining room carpet.  Find that sucker and finish eating it.

Dinner: A glass of spaghetti and chocolate milk.  Leave meatball on plate.
Stick of mascara for dessert.

My mom got mad at my dad the other day and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased ten new dresses.

"Ten!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with ten new dresses??"

My mom calmly replied, "Ten new pairs of shoes."