One-liners

At my funeral, I would like there to be a piñata so people can be happy ... but filled with bees so they're not too happy.

Funny thing about marriage is I would 100%, without a doubt, take bullet for my wife; but I can also say, 100%without a doubt, she'd be the reason we were getting shot at in the first place.

Sometimes I use big words I don't understand to make myself look more photosynthesis.

My wife told me I've grown as a person ... her actual words were "You've gotten fat" but I know what she meant.

The 'back' in horseback riding is probably unnecessary.

I woke up from a deep sleep in a panic thinking I was late for work ... Thankfully, I was at work.

I don't know who needs to hear this, but living your life to the fullest does not have to involve hiking.

I've discovered that you can turn a regular sofa into a sleeper sofa simply by forgetting your wife's birthday.

"Do you have a flat stomach?"

Yeah, but the "L" is silent.

One night I was babysitting my neighbor's 6 year old kid. She just kept staring at me, and finally she asked my why I was so ugly, and without thinking I said, "I'm you from the future," and she cried for like 20 minutes.

My kid asked me what I used to play on the iPad as a kid, and I told him I talked into a fan to sound like a robot.

Travel Advice: Don't waste money buying new clothes; visit new places where people haven't seen your old clothes.

If you serve your kids frozen pizza or chicken nuggets for dinner, you are a terrible parent - I don't care how busy you are - find the time to microwave them!

I'm not saying that my wife orders a lot from Amazon, I'm just saying that if I got a job as an Amazon driver they'd probably let me work from home.

I just learned the professional way to say "I told you so":

"This was identified early on as a likely outcome."