One-liners

How come there's enough asphalt for speedbumps, but not enough to fill potholes?

Seen in bookstore window:

Please note: The post-apocalyptical fiction section has  been moved to Current Affairs.

Yesterday I bought a world map, gave my wife a dart and said, "Throw this and wherever it lands I'll take you on your birthday!" ... we're spending 3 weeks behind the couch.

I really must apologize for my tardiness; I got here as soon as I wanted to.

I saw a woman in a parking lot crying because she lost $200 ... I felt so bad for her, I gave her $40 from the $200 I had just found in that parking lot.

I believe in you ... I also believe in bigfoot so don't get too excited.

Did you know that if you garden in your back yard naked, your neighbors will build you a privacy fence for absolutely no cost to you.

My life coach just informed me I didn't make the team!

I have a perfect body -  but it's in the trunk and starting to smell.

If God can make a bug's butt light up, think of what He can do for you!

I wish my life had background music so I could understand what is going on.

Arguing with me is pointless - I realized I was wrong 10 minutes ago and now I'm just trying to make you mad.

An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.

When one door closes another one opens; other than that it's a pretty good car.

Motherhood taught me just how far I can let myself go and still be okay with it.