I am so busy doing nothing… that the idea of doing anything – which as you know, always leads to something – cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.
- Jerry Seinfeld
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
If I don't text back at night it's 'cuz I'm out helping Batman.
Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December: “Let’s have another round, shall we?”
Just checked that the carton of milk in my fridge expired December 31; unlike me, it had a date on New Year’s Eve.
"A bookstore is one of the only piece of evidence we have that people are still thinking."
- Jerry Seinfeld
The worst part about not buying snacks so you won't eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack!
It's strange there is a setting on every toaster to completely burn the bread.
I never understood how the little drummer boy's parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
December weather is more confusing than trying to untangle rainbow Christmas lights.
December is the month to “sleigh” the holiday decorations!
I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict; so I'm going home for the hollandaise.
I can't keep calm; I'm Scottish!
A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion. But doesn't.
When you die, people cry and beg for you to come back but when you do, there's the running and the screaming...
When you think about the vastness of space and how enormous our galaxy is and how big our planet is and how small we are, I'm not really eating all that much cheese.