One-liners

I am really bad at measuring pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti, come on over!

Last year I joined a support group for antisocial people; we haven't met yet.

I'm not so sure about an inner child, but I have an inner idiot that surfaces every now and then.

I was born to be wild, but only until around 9 pm or so.

If Mom says "No," ask Nana;

if Nana says "No," ... who are we kidding?? Nana never says "No!"

Don't wear headphones while vacuuming; I've just finished the whole house before realizing the vacuum wasn't plugged in.

The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological; one is Psycho and the other is Logical - and whatever you do, don't try to figure out Who is Who.

I just ordered a life alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I'll be notified immediately!

I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop; he just sat there drinking his coffee ... like a psychopath.

Auto-correct can be so flippant annotating.

Always keep a book with you at all times in case of an emergency; you know, like social gatherings.

As I watched the dog chasing his tail, I thought, "Dogs are easily amused;" then I realized I was watching the dog chase his tail.

A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat. Ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself!

My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year: only 15 to go.

I hate making spelling errors on Facebook; mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.