Advice #7:
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W.C. Fields
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Advice #6
Don't give up hope; there's a chance the inevitable won't happen.
Advice #5:
Research administrators should support artificial intelligence; after all, what have they to lose?
Advice #4:
Be realistic; ask the impossible!
Advice #3:
If you don't' know, why ask?
Advice #2:
It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.
Advice #1:
No one can complain who has not been lost and never heard of again.
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
- Mitch Hedberg
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
- Mitch Hedberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Another World's Oldest Man has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.