One-liners

Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.

My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!" 

One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.

The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!

You haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.

I hate when old people say tattoos are a waste of money; like, okay Marion, you have a cabinet of expensive plates people aren't allowed to use.

An atheist, a vegan, and a CrossFitter walk into a coffee shop... I only know because they told everyone within two minutes.

My bank has a new service where they will text you your balance; it's cool, I just don't think they should add "LOL" at the end.

If Mom says "No," ask Nana; if Nana says "No" ... who are we kidding? Nana never says "No!"

Saw some goober at the gym put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.

The relationship between Husband and Wife is very psychological - one is Psycho and the other is Logical; now please don't try to figure out Who is Who.

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Askhole: A person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them.

I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn" ... stupid firemen.

I wish I were a glow worm,
a glow worm's never glum;
'cause how can you be grumpy
when the sun shines out your bum?!