My phone has this cool app that shows me what I look like as an old person - it's called ... a camera.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
The fishing was so bad even the liars didn't catch anything.
A hacker just called me and said he has all my passwords ... I jumped up, grabbed a pen and paper, and said, "Thank goodness! What are they?"
People who say their wedding day was the best day ever have clearly never had two KitKats fall out of a vending machine.
The first rule of "Condescending Club" is really quite complex - and to be honest with you, I don't think you'd understand it even if I explained it to you in very simple terms.
One day you will want to send me money but you will find me rich and I won't accept it - so use this opportunity now.
Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile ... I'm watching a show I don't like because the remote fell on the floor.
Studies show that people with high IQs tend to be lazy, or something like that ... I didn't read the whole article.
My wife wanted a vacation, but I wanted a staycation, so we compromised and had an altercation.
My wife texted me this morning and said, "Your great;" I replied, "No, you're great" - she's been in a great mood ever since. I should correct her grammar more often.
When I was a kid, bedtime was 9pm and I couldn't wait to be a grownup so I could go to bed any time I wanted ... turns out that's 9pm.
I went for a run but came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something; I forgot I'm out of shape and can't run for more than 2 minutes.
One invention that was more important than the first telephone was definitely ... the second telephone.
My boss said I intimidate my coworkers; so I stared at him until he apologized.
One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. I they laugh, you're young; if they panic, you're old.