One-liners

I went to buy some camo pants but couldn't find any.

"You know what my bedtime story was when I was a kid? Darkness!"

- Jerry Seinfeld

Don't ask a girl where she wants to go for dinner ... tell her to guess where you're taking her to eat, and then take her to her first guess!

My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my tv.

My resolution for 2023 is to buy Bitcoin in 2011.

The biggest reason to stay up until midnight on December 31 is to make sure 2022 leaves.

Remember children, the best way to get a puppy for Christmas is to beg for a baby brother.

"I don't have an advent calendar so I'm just going around opening cupboard doors and eating what I find in there."

Dear Santa, All I want is a fat bank account and a skinny body; please don't mix it up again like last year!

My ability to turn holiday joy into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into weight gain.

- Smug Lemur

I always tell my kids that if you fart on Santa's lap, he's required by North Pole law to bring you two of everything you ask for.

- Abe Yospe @Cheeseboy22

Holiday lights should be festive, while at the same time not encouraging aircraft to land.

- Charles Lake

A perfectly managed Christmas correct in every detail is a sure sign of someone who hasn't enough to do.

- Katherine Whitehorn

"I don't exercise; if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor."

- Joan Rivers

There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.

- Spencer Tracy