One-liners

Common sense is not a gift - it's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone who doesn't have it.

Hold on while I over think this.

Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now on I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

One minute you're young and fun - the next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.

Never laugh at your spouse's choices; you are one of them.

My spouse says I have two faults; I don't listen and ... something else.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights!

You don't realize how old you are until you get down on the floor and then try to get back up.

When they said, "History repeats itself," I wasn't expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads; that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

"My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

- Buddy Hackett