One-liners

"The city should hire the guy that salts the fries at McDonalds to do the roads!"

- unknown

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

- George Carlin

I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

- Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day.

- Mitch Hedburg

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they'll want to use it.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her … or something like that.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Relationships are a lot like algebra ... have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I changed my password to "incorrect", so whenever I forget what it is the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus ... or a really cool opotamus?

- Mitch Hedberg

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the parkade; that is wrong on so many levels.

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is "Goodbye."

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

- Mitch Hedberg