My daughter asked me what it's like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
If it involves me, I want nothing to do with it.
My only reason for mentioning it is that it is irrelevant.
I want to hear the voice of the great silent majority.
- Richard Nixon
If there's anything I can't stand, it's intolerance.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
When I was young, if any of us kids got sick, my mother would bring out the chicken soup. Of course, that didn't' work for broken bones; for broken bones, she gave us boiled beef.
- George Burns
I'm sick of following my dreams; I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg
Free advice is worth what you paid for it.
As far as I'm concerned, treachery will sometimes bring loyalty into question.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
To kick start my New Year, I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Honk if you love peace and quiet!
On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: "You take Christmas too seriously."