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Today's CleanLaugh
 When I first started college, the Dean came in and said "Good Morning" to all of us. When we echoed back to him, he responded, "Ah, you're Freshmen."
Then he explained:
"When you walk in and say good morning, and they say good morning back, they're Freshmen.
"When they put their newspapers down and open their books, they're Sophomores.
"When they look up so they can see the who's talking over the tops of the newspapers, they're juniors.
"When they put their feet up on the desks and keep reading, they're seniors.
"And when you walk in and say good morning, and they write it down, they're graduate students."
Today's One-liner
 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
Today's Clean Pun
 There were two old geezers living in the backwoods of the Ozarks: Rufus and Clarence.
They lived on opposite sides of the river and they hated each other. Every morning, just after sunup, Rufus and Clarence would go down to their respective sides of the river and yell at each other.
"Rufus!" Clarence would shout, "You better thank your lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup you!"
"Clarence!" Rufus would holler back, "You better thank YOUR lucky stars that I can't swim, er I'd swim this river and whup YOU!"
Every morning. Every day. For 20 years.
One day the Army Corps of Engineers came along and built a bridge. But the insults went on every morning. Every day. Another five years.
Finally, Mr. Rufus' wife had had enough. "Rufus!" she squallered one day, "I can't take no more! Every day for 25 years you've been threatenin' to whup Clarence. Well, thar's the bridge! Have at it!"
Rufus thought for a moment. Chewed his bottom lip for another moment.
"Woman!" he declared, snapping his suspenders into place. "I'm gonna whup Clarence!"
He walked out the door, down to the river, along the riverbank, came to the bridge, stepped up onto the bridge, walked about halfway over the bridge, then turned tail and ran screaming back to the house, slammed the door, bolted the windows, grabbed the shotgun and dove under the bed.
"Rufus!" cried the missus. "I thought you was gonna whup Clarence!"
"I was, woman, I was!" he whispered.
"What in tarnation is the matter?"
"Well," whispered the terror-stricken Rufus, "I walked halfway over the bridge and saw a sign that said 'Clearance, 13 feet, 6 inches.' He ain't never looked that big from the other side of the river!"
Today's Quote
"Be more concerned with being thoughtful than being beautiful."
- Ann Voskamp
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Today's Illustration
 When my wife quit work to take care of our new baby daughter, countless hours of peekaboo and other games slowly took their toll. One evening she smacked her bare toes on the corner of a dresser and, grabbing her foot, sank to the floor.
I rushed to her side and asked where it hurt.
She looked at me through tear-filled eyes and managed to moan,
"It's the piggy that ate roast beef."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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A friend of mine joined the Navy and soon after had to attend a wedding. He asked an officer for a pass and was told he had to be back by 7 p.m. Sunday.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes ...
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
I was the new coach of a Little League baseball team and had not yet learned the names of my players. At our first game I called each boy by the number on his uniform. When I yelled, "Number 5, your time to bat," Jeff Smith came to the plate. When I called for "Number 7," Steve Heinz jumped up. Then I yelled for "Number 1," but no one emerged from the dugout. Again I called for Number 1. Still no one came forward.
They say that a preacher's wife is always his number one assistant.
"When your children are teenagers, it's important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you."
The Monte Carlo casino refused to admit me until I was properly dressed so I went and found my stockings, and then came back and lost my shirt.
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
After a very long and boring sermon the parishioners filed out of the church saying nothing to the preacher. Towards the end of the line was a thoughtful person who always commented on the sermons. "Pastor, today your sermon reminded me of the peace and love of God."
"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea."
"A Freudian Slip: when you say one thing but mean a mother."
I was playing in a golf tournament with a longtime Big Ten basketball official who just retired.
After directory assistance gave me my boyfriend's new telephone number, I dialed him -- and got a woman.
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
A rare delicacy indeed is sautéed sloth.
I was self-conscious about going to the gym, because I thought the pounds I had put on would make me stand out among the spandex-clad regulars. I chose a treadmill in the corner so I'd be inconspicuous.