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Today's CleanLaugh
 1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
2. CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' toh man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.
Today's One-liner
 I'm as good at making similes as someone who is really good at making similes.
Today's Clean Pun
 In Washington D.C., helicopters are often used to monitor the traffic conditions.
Frequently jammed is the Francis Scott Key bridge, named after the man who wrote the national anthem.
The bridge's traffic problem is notorious; among some, it's known as the Car Strangled Spanner.
Today's Quote
"Experience is a difficult teacher because she gives the test first and then the lesson afterwards."
- Vernon Law
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We invite you to join us in supporting persecuted Christians.
Today's Illustration
 The owner of a small deli was being questioned by the IRS about his tax return. He had reported a net profit of $80,000 for the year.
"Why don't you people leave me alone?" the deli owner said. "I work like a dog, everyone in my family helps out, and the place is closed only three days a year. And you want to know how I made $80,000?"
"It's not your income that bothers us," the agent said. "It's these deductions. You listed six trips to Bermuda for you and your wife."
"Oh, that," the owner said, smiling. "I forgot to tell you - we also deliver."
Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"I'm an expert on Chinese food; when I eat it I only use one chopstick."
A surgeon goes to return some books he borrowed from the library... The librarian quips after checking the books...
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible: Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter.
I was the substitute teacher for a second-grade math class that was learning about groups. In one exercise, pupils were asked to label a group of items according to their common characteristics.
I wonder how long it will take this police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him?
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient wakes up, and demands to know what is going on.
Once a king had a great highway built for the members of his kingdom. After it was completed, but before it was opened to the public, the king decided to have a contest. He invited as many as desired to participate. Their challenge was to see who could travel the highway the best.
Oh look, Chicken Thursday!
1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car: "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you!"
Geometry: Without it life is pointless.
Our three year-old granddaughter, Audrey, had just been through an episode of potty training by her Mom, who expressed concerns about her slow progress.
The mother of three notoriously unruly youngsters was asked whether or not she'd have children if she had to do over again.
Sometimes my age is very inappropriate for my behavior.
William Tell was not only a great patriot and a great archer, he was also a great cook.
Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.