Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3815

Cybersalt News

A long time ago, in a land far away, I was the king of the Christmas lights on my street. I'm glad I didn't have to compete against this house.
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/christmas-light-show 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Christmas Postage

stampsA Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

"What Denomination?" Asked the clerk.

"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman.

"Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0790

"I don't have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
- Mitch Hedberg

Here is today's CleanPun

A Lot of Money

A lot of money is tainted.

It tain't yours and it tain't mine.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1243

"The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing."
- Marcus Aurelius

Here is today's Illustration

Who Started Christmas?

A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and everything else imaginable, and after hours of hearing both her children asking for everything they saw on those many shelves, she finally made it to the elevator with her two kids.

She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the year---overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list, and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sent us a card.

Finally the elevator doors opened and there was already a crowd in the car. She pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with her and all the bags of stuff.

When the doors closed she couldn't take it anymore and stated, “Whoever started this whole Christmas thing should be found, strung up, and shot.”

From the back of the car everyone heard a quiet, calm voice respond, “Don't worry. We already crucified him."

Who Started Christmas

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3814

Cybersalt News

Oh look, Chicken Thursday.

Ever wonder what the Angel might have said if the first Christmas took place in Minnesota?  Wonder no more:
www.cybersalt.org/cartoons/minnesota-christmas-bible-cartoon 

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Here is today's CleanLaugh

Christmas Tree Search

Christmas Tree SearchThere were two goobers who went deep into the woods searching for a Christmas tree.

After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry wolves, one goober turned to the other and said,

"I'm chopping down the next tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"

If you are wondering what a Goober is, there is a picture of one here.

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0789

"The fact that we don't use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels."

Here is today's CleanPun

Christmastime Separation

“Christmas: That time of year when mother has to separate the men from the toys.”
- Lee Daniel Quinn

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1242

"Life has meaning only if one barters it day by day for something other than itself."
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Here is today's Illustration

Christmas Love

Christ was Love ChristmasThe students were led into the room. Each class, accompanied by their teacher. Then, each group, one by one, rose to perform their song. Those in the front row - center stage - held up large letters, one by one, to spell out the title of the song.

As the class was to sing "C is for Christmas," a child would hold up the letter C. Then, "H is for Happy," and on and on, until each child holding up his portion had presented the complete message, "Christmas Love."

The performance was going smoothly, until suddenly, we noticed her; a small, quiet, girl in the front row holding the letter "M” upside down - totally unaware her letter "M" appeared as a "W".

A hush came over the audience and eyes began to widen.

For when the last letter was held high, the message read loud and clear:

"C H R I S T W A S L O V E"

And I believe He still is.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3813

Cybersalt News

I have returned one of my past Christmas devotionals to the front page of the Cybersalt site.  You can read "Race Rocks Christmas" at:
www.cybersalt.org/cybersalt-shaker/race-rocks-christmas

There is also a new entry in the FunBlog.  I think "The Happiest Machine" will put a smile on your face.
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/the-happiest-machine 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas

Top Ten Gifts Your Husband Doesn't Want For Christmas

christmas gifts10. Anne of Avonlea/Anne of Green Gables Collectors Edition with 74 minutes of extra footage

9. Any knick-knack

8. Tickets to the ballet

7. Another new tie

6. A Bath and Body Works Soap Basket

5. New teddy bear pajamas

4. Vacuum cleaner

3. A weekend seminar on "Getting in Touch With Your Feelings"

2. Pair of fuzzy bunny slippers

1. A nose and ear hair trimmer (OK, well maybe.)

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0788

"My pessimism has never failed me, but I'm sure someday it will."

Here is today's CleanPun

Christmas Role

96villager1I was casting kids in our church for our annual Christmas play, and I was giving out choices, such as Shepherd, Lamb, Villager.

One 5-year-old couldn't decide, so I said, "Luke, you can be a Villager."

He said, "OK," and ran over to his parents. Very excited, he said to them:

"Guess what! I get to be a mini-van!"

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1241

"Life is a long lesson in humility."
- James M. Barrie

Here is today's Illustration

Christmas Gift Suggestions

christmas gift2Christmas gift suggestions:

To your enemy, forgiveness.

To an opponent, tolerance.

To a friend, your heart.

To a customer, service.

To all, charity.

To every child, a good example.

To yourself, respect.

To Jesus, all.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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 Issue #3812

Cybersalt News

The newest funny picture on the Cybersalt site is something that all men are going to realize eventually.  Find out what stage you are in at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-christmas-pictures/four-stages

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Here is today's CleanLaugh

The Night Before Christmas - Texas Style

Twas the night before Christmas, In Texas you know,
Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,
A dreaming of Christmas, like me and like you.

Not stockings but boots, at the foot of their beds,
For this was Texas, What more need be said?

redball1When all of a sudden from out the still night,
There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright!

And I saw cross the prairie, like the shot from a gun,
A loaded up buckboard, Come on at a run.

The driver was "whistling" and "shouting" with a will,
The "Horses" (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

"Come on there Buck, Poncho, and Prince, to the right"
There'll be plenty of travelin' for you-all tonight..

The driver in his Levis, and a shirt that was red,
Had a 10 gallon Stetson on the top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,
with his beard so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,
And both so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,
That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,
He asked in a whisper "Are you really Santa Claus?"

"Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?
And he smiled as he gave his mysterious wink.

Then he left in his buckboard, and called back in a drawl,
TO ALL CHILDREN OF TEXAS-MERRY CHRISTMAS YEE HAW!

- Written by Leon A. Harris in 1952

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One-liner #0787

"I enjoy your company most when I am by myself."

Here is today's CleanPun

Semi-Pro Baseball

baseballJohn was never shy about reminding people that he played semi-pro baseball.   "My teammates used to call me James Bond," he was telling his friends. "I had all sorts of tricks to confuse the opposition."   "That and he batted .007," his wife added.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1240

"'Was Jesus of Nazareth born of a virgin? The answer to that question would define human history."
- Larry King

Here is today's Illustration

Night Before Christmas

silent night'T'was the night before Christmas
and all through the town
Not a sign of Baby Jesus
was anywhere to be found.

The people were all busy
with Christmas time chores
Like decorating, and baking,
and shopping in stores.

No one sang "Away in a manger,
no crib for a bed".
Instead, they sang of Santa
dressed-up in bright red.

Mama watched Martha Stewart,
Papa drank beer from a tap.
As hour upon hour
the presents they'd wrap

When what from the T.V.
did they suddenly hear?
'Cept an ad. which told
of a big sale at Sears.

So away to the mall
they all flew like a flash...
Buying things on credit...
and others with cash!

And, as they made their way home
From their trip to the mall,
Did they think about Jesus?
Oh, no, not at all.

Their lives were so busy
with their Christmas time things
No time to remember
Christ Jesus, the King.

There were presents to wrap
and cookies to bake.
How could they stop and remember
who died for their sake?

To pray to the Savior...
they had no time to stop.
Because they needed more time
to "Shop til they dropped!"

On Wal-mart! On K-mart!
On Target! On Penny's!
On Hallmark! On Zales!
A quick lunch at Denny's

From the big stores downtown
to the stores at the mall
They would dash away, dash away,
and visit them all!

And up on the roof,
there arose such a clatter
As grandpa hung icicle lights
up on his brand new step ladder.

He hung lights that would flash.
He hung lights that would twirl.
Yet, he never once prayed to Jesus...
Light of the World.

Christ's eyes... how they twinkle!
Christ's Spirit... how merry!
Christ's love... how enormous!
All our burdens... He'll carry!

So instead of being busy,
overworked, and uptight
Let's keep Christ in our Christmas
and enjoy some good nights!

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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 Issue #3811

Cybersalt News

When one thinks of screaming cats, one does not imagine the screaming cats in today's FunBlog entry.
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/screaming-cats 

Enjy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Chocolate Night Before Christmas


The Chocolate Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and all round my hips
Were Fannie May candies that sneaked past my lips.
Fudge brownies were stored in the freezer with care
In hopes that my thighs would forget they were there.

While Mama in her girdle and I in chinstraps
Had just settled down to sugar-borne naps.
When out in the pantry there arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the kitchen I flew like a flash,
Tore open the icebox then threw up the sash.
The marshmallow look of the new-fallen snow
Sent thoughts of a binge to my body below.

When what to my wandering eyes should appear:
A marzipan Santa with eight chocolate reindeer!
That huge chunk of candy so luscious and slick
I knew in a second that I'd wind up sick.

The sweet-coated Santa, those sugared reindeer
I closed my eyes tightly but still I could hear;
On Pritzker, on Stillman, on weak one, on TOPS
A Weight Watcher dropout from sugar detox.

From the top of the scales to the top of the hall
Now dash away pounds now dash away all.
Dressed up in Lane Bryant from my head to nightdress
My clothes were all bulging from too much excess.

My droll little mouth and my round little belly,
They shook when I laughed like a bowl full of jelly.
I spoke not a word but went straight to my work
Ate all of the candy then turned with a jerk.

And laying a finger beside my heartburn
Gave a quick nod toward the bedroom I turned.
I eased into bed, to the heavens I cry--
If temptation's removed I'll get thin by and by.

And I mumbled again as I turned for the night
In the morning I'll starve... 'til I take that first bite!

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One-liner #0786

"It's a good thing your car can't travel at the speed of light - your headlights wouldn't work."

Here is today's CleanPun

North Pole Pictures

How does Santa Claus take pictures?

With his North Pole-a-roid.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1239

"A man who dares to waste one hour of time has not discovered the value of life."
- Charles Darwin

Here is today's Illustration

Teaching Children About Christmas

christmasmangerThe Season of Advent was beginning, and I wanted to inform the children that, according the Bible, Jesus is coming twice, once as the baby in the manger, and then as King.

So I asked the children, "How did Jesus come the first time?"

One child answered, "Down the chimney."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3810 - December 11, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3809 - December 9, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3808 - December 8, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3807 - December 7, 2011

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