Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3840

Cybersalt News

Yesterday was groundhog day.  I bet they don't really appreciate being woken up and all the handling and attention they get.  Here's on that isn't going to take any more for sure:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/forget-groundhog-day 

There are 5 new updated funny picture pages on the Cybersalt site today.  The first one is "Walrus Head on Man" and after that you will find the rest by clicking "Next" (or use the links in the right hand column).
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/walrus-head-on-man

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing. 

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Passed Note

post it_notesA nearsighted minister glanced at the note that Mrs. Jones had sent to him by an usher.

The note read: "Bill Jones having gone to sea, his wife desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

Failing to observe the punctuation, he startled his audience by announcing:

"Bill Jones, having gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congregation for his safety."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0821

"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall."
- Mitch Hedberg

Here is today's CleanPun

Brown Paper

brown paperA sheriff walks into a saloon and shouts for everyone's attention. "Has anyone seen Brown Paper Jake?" he asks.

"What's he look like?" asks one shoddy-looking cowboy.

"Well", replies the Sheriff, "he wears a brown paper hat, a brown paper waistcoat, a brown paper shirt, brown paper boots, brown paper pants, and a brown paper jacket."

"So what's he wanted for?" asks the same cowboy.

"Rustlin'."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1270

"A hypocrite is someone who complains that there is too much sex and violence on his DVD."

Here is today's Illustration

Possessions, Wealth


cemetaryTwo elderly gentlemen met up on the way to the funeral of one of their longtime buddies.

The deceased was thought to have accumulated much wealth. On the way to the cemetery, one old fellow asked the other, "How much did he leave?"

The other old fellow replied, "All of it."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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 Issue #3839

Cybersalt News

Happy February everyone.  I've got good news for you!  Many of you were so good in January that you've been given an extra day this month.  The rest of us are going to tag along for it too.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

puppies*How Many Dogs Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?*

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: I can't reach the stupid lamp!

Toy Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Rottweiler: Go Ahead! Make me!

Shi-tzu: Puh-leeze, dah-ling. Let the servants. . . .

Lab: Oh, me, me!!! Pleeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Can I?

Malamute: Let the Border collie do it.. You can feed me while he's busy.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Doberman Pinscher: While it's dark, I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Mastiff: Mastiffs are NOT afraid of the dark.

Hound Dog: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, right there...

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Australian Shepherd: Put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0820

"Before they made him they broke the mold."

Here is today's CleanPun

General Store

"I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1269

"For every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction - plus a social media overreaction."

Here is today's Illustration

North Americans, Character, Hypocrisy

simple earth*North Americans*

We yell for the Government to balance the budget, then take the last dime we have to make the down payment on a car that will take 5 years to pay off.

We demand speed laws that will stop fast driving, then won't buy a car if it can't go over 100 miles an hour.

We know the line-up of every baseball team in the American and National Leagues but mumble through half the words our national athems.

We'll spend half a day looking for vitamin pills to make us live longer, then drive 90 miles an hour on slick pavement to make up for lost time.

We tie up our dog while letting our sixteen year old son run wild.

We will work hard on a farm so we can move into town where we can make more money so we can move back to the farm.

We get upset we're spending over a billion dollars for education, but spend three billion dollars a year for cigarettes.

In the office we talk about baseball, shopping or fishing, but when we are out at the game, the mall or on the lake, we talk about business.

We're supposed to be the most civilized Christian place on earth, but we still can't deliver payrolls without an armored car.

We have more experts on marriage than any other country in the world and still have more divorces.

We have more food to eat than anywhere in the world and more diets to keep us from eating it.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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 Issue #3838

Cybersalt News

A big thank-you to everyone who have missed my mailings the last 10 days or so.  I've been totally swamped with things at  church.  It always gets super busy when it's time to prepare for the annual meeting.  I've been tackling that task alongside of some awesome people at Westside.

Speaking of people and awesomeness, there is a new video in the FunBlog today.  You'll find "People are Awesome" (though I think one person in the video is not too bright) at:
www.cybersalt.org/funblog/people-are-awesome

There is also a new James Snyder devotional on the Cybersalt site.  He believes in giving credit where credit is due, but I must admit I think he's a bit confused about why his gums are so healthy, lol.  You can decide for yourself at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/giving-credit-where-credit-is-due

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Bachelor's Cat

cat on roofA bachelor kept a cat for companionship, and loved his cat more than life itself.

He was planning a trip to England and entrusted the cat to his brother's care. As soon as he arrived in England he called his brother.

"How is my cat?" he asked. "Your cat is dead," came the reply.

"Oh my," he exclaimed. "Did you have to tell me that way?"

"How else can I tell you your cat's dead?" inquired the brother.

"You should have led me up to it gradually," said the bachelor. "For an example, when I called tonight you could have told me my cat was on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting it down. When I called tomorrow night, you could have told me that they dropped him and broke his back, but a fine surgeon is doing all he can for him. Then, when I called the third night, you could have told me the surgeon did all he could but my cat passed away. That way it wouldn't have been such a shock."

"By the way," he continued, "how's Mother?"

"Mother?" came the reply. "Oh, she's up on the roof, but the Fire Department is getting her down."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0819

Piñata Store: "You buy it, you break it."

Here is today's CleanPun

Tigers

bengal tigerWhy does a tiger have stripes?

So he won't be spotted.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1268

"LISTEN: When you rearrange the letters you get: SILENT"

Here is today's Illustration

Troublemakers

crowdAfter the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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 Issue #3837

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everyone!

The Westside Bible Church web site has been updated with 4 weeks worth or service and message recordings.  You'll find them at:
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/services 
and
www.westsidefamily.org/multimedia-podcast/messages 

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Do Not Talk To My Parrot

parrotMrs. Lonefold's dishwasher quit working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and, since she had to go to work the next day, she told him: "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under *any* circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Lonefold's apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen.

But, just like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with incessant cursing, yelling, and name-calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!!"

To which the parrot replied: "GET HIM, Brutus!!"

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0818

" I was going to go to the Outdoor Wilderness Survival Show, but not in this weather!"

Here is today's CleanPun

Paid For

My wife and I, both graduate students, recently celebrated the arrival of our first child. At my wife's insistence, we had paid our entire medical bill and were now worried about meeting other payments.

We were discussing our sad financial situation one evening when our son demanded a diaper change. As my wife leaned over the baby's crib, I heard her mutter, "The only thing in the house that's paid for, and it leaks."

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1267

"For some, it is easier emotionally to stop believing in God than to accept the existence of whatever evil has raped their life."
- Pastor Tim Davis

Here is today's Illustration

Mistakes

If an engineer makes a mistake,
It is a new venture!

crumpled paperIf a scientist makes a mistake,
It is a new invention!

If an explorer makes a mistake,
It's a new discovery!

If a driver makes a mistake,
It is an accident!

If a politician makes a mistake,
 It is a new law!

If a professor makes a mistake,
It is a new theory!

If a hairstylist makes a mistake,
It's a new style!

If a tailor makes a mistake,
It is a new fashion!

If parents make a mistake,
It is a new generation!

If the boss makes a mistake,
It is our mistake!

If an employee makes a mistake,
Now, *that* is a "MISTAKE!"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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 Issue #3836

Cybersalt News

OK, so Google didn't buy the Cybersalt site.  They did give me some lovely consolation gifts for attending the seminar though and in the next while I've got a Google t-shirt coming my way.

There is one updated funny sign page on the Cybersalt site today - which is running along at a blistering pace on the server I might add.  You will find "Frozen Bank Accounts" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-signs/frozen-bank-accounts

BTW, today's Digest has a bonus Cleanlaugh in it because one was too small to really count for an effort for the day.

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Country Puddle

puddleA man traveling down a country road was forced to stop before a giant puddle covering the entire road. Looking to the side of the road, the man noticed a farmer leaning on a fence. "Think it's safe to cross?" the man asked.

"I reckon so," replied the farmer.

The car was immediately swallowed by the puddle as the man drove in. In fact, it was so deep that he had to roll his window down to swim out of his car back to the surface.

As his head broke the surface the man said to the farmer, "I thought you said I could safely drive through this puddle!"

"Well, golly!" said the farmer, scratching his head.

"It only come up chest-high on my ducks!"

Politically Correct Light Bulb

compact fluorescent_bulb"How many politically-correct people does it take to screw in a light-bulb?"

"Look, I don't know, but that's not funny."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0817

My wife complains that I over-analyze everything but these graphs & charts show that I don't.

Here is today's CleanPun

Duck vs. Elephant

Duck vs Elephant: You can't get down off an elephant.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1266

wedding rings"The bonds of matrimony are a good investment when the interest is kept up."

Here is today's Illustration

Hurts and Blessings

Thanks to my online colleague, Pastor Kevin Martineau, for sharing this story on his excellent blog at www.kevinmartineau.ca  Check out is page, he as lots of great stuff.

------------------------

oasisA story is told of two friends who were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face.

The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand: “Today my best friend slapped me in the face.”

They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him.

After he recovered from the near drowning, he carved on a stone: “Today my best friend saved my life.”

The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, “After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you carve on a stone, why?”

The other friend replied: “When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone, where no wind can ever erase it.”

Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone!

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

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  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3835 - January 19, 2012
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3834 - January 17, 2012
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3833 - January 13, 2012
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3832 - January 10, 2012

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