Cybersalt Digest Archive

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We all like overtime pay, but over time shifts can be a real bear:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/zoo-overtime

There is a new video in the inspiration video section of the Cybersalt site. Britain's Got Talent had Susan Boyle. Korea's Got Talent has Sung-bong Choi.
http://www.cybersalt.org/videos/koreas-got-talent-has-sung-bong-choi

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "You Might Be An Engineer If…"

* You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.

* You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."

* You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.

* It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.

* You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."

* You have a pet named after a scientist.

* You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.

* You can translate English into Binary.

* You can't remember what's behind the door at the lab that says "Exit."

* You avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.

* You consider ANY non-engineering course "easy."

* When your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the universe.

* You'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier.

* The blinking 12:00 on someone's VCR draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it.

* The salesperson at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions.

* You can't help eavesdropping in computer stores... and correcting the salesperson.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards to see how they do the special effects.

* You have a habit of destroying things in order to see how they work.

* You've even calculated how much you make per second.

* Your favorite James Bond character is "Q".

* You understood more than five of these jokes.

Today's CleanPun - "Ticket Explanation"

Her car was speeding along Interstate 80 at well over 80 miles an hour when it passed by a State Trooper. Obviously, the officer was compelled to pull the young female driver over and he asked to see her license. After looking it over, he said to her, "It stipulates here on your license that you should be wearing glasses."

"Well, I have contacts," the woman replied.

"Look lady, I don't care who you know," snapped the officer. "You're getting a ticket."

Today's One Liner

"I am not stupid - everyone else is just smarter than me."

Today's CleanQuote

"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."

Today's Illustration - "Wedding Toast to Groom"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

My husband, Lawrence, had offered to give the toast at the wedding of his longtime friend Theo. They had shared many happy, and foolish incidents, and as the day approached, there was much speculation as to which events Lawrence was going to reveal.

At the reception when Lawrence rose to speak, the groom looked terrified. "I don't have to tell you anything embarrassing about Theo," Lawrence began, "because for the last three months, he's been so worried about what I might say that he's already confessed everything he could think of to his bride."

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

This past weekend I was at a conference in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan (yes, that's English). Here's a shoutout to some of the Cybersaltines I met there - Spence and Marcia, Hans and Wendy, and Jim. There may have been others but since the conference was public they may not have wanted to be seen talking to me.

It was a great weekend - but not in that "Burial Ground Picnic" kind of way:
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/no-dancing-please

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "Parking Space Sign Language"

After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking spot at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you going to park there?" look.

His responding gestures were very complicated. First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged. Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want the space.

"You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the spot. I'm waiting for my wife.'"

Today's CleanPun - "Three Little Piggies"

Three little piggies went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their orders for drinks.
"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggy.
"I would like a glass of Coke," said the second little piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and a little later, the waiter took their orders for dinner.
"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggy.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water," said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and awhile later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
"I want a banana split," said the first piggy.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggy.
"I want lots and lots of water!" exclaimed the third little piggy.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

"Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!'" replied the third little piggy.

Today's One Liner

"I worry we are spending so much time on the Internet we are losing our ability to connect with people on TV."
~@toddieC

Today's CleanQuote

If you can't tie good knots, tie plenty of them.
~Yachtsman's Credo

Today's Illustration - "On Company Time"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

Boss: You got your hair cut on company time.

Susie: It grew on company time.

Boss: Not all that hair.

Susie: I didn't get it all cut.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

Sometimes you have to grow up to play with your toys the way you want to.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funblog/team-hot-wheels-world-record-jump

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "New Brain Study"

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that anyone with insufficient brain activity reads e-mail with one's hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now; it's too late.

Today's CleanPun - "Snow White Photos"

Snow White took photos of the Dwarfs and their surroundings. She took the film to be developed. After a week or so she went to get the finished photos.

The clerk said the photos were not back from the processor. Needless to say, she was disappointed and started to cry.

The clerk, trying to console her, said, "Don't worry. Someday your prints will come."

Today's One Liner

"I'm going to live forever, or die trying!" ~ Spider Robinson

Today's CleanQuote

Teaching junior high school English, Mr. Speller emphasized the importance of nice clean margins on student papers.

One seventh-grade boy said in his essay that he was sorry to write in the margarine.

When he graded his paper, Mr. Speller added a little note next to his that said, "Maybe next time you will do butter."

Today's Illustration - "Charitable Giving"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A large, well built man visited the church and asked to see the pastor's wife, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, 'I'd like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their $400 rent that is past due'

'How frightful!' exclaimed the pastor's wife. 'May I ask who you are?'

The enormous visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, 'I'm their landlord’

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

The Cybersalt Digest

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings, everyone. Enjoy today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "The Rules of Bureaucracy"

1. Preserve thyself.

2. It is easier to fix the blame than to fix the problem.

3. A penny saved is an oversight.

4. Information deteriorates upward.

5. The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time; the last 10% takes the other 90%.

6. Experience is what you get just after you need it.

7. For any given large, complex, hard to understand, expensive problem, there exists at least one short, simple, easy, cheap wrong answer.

8. Anything that can be changed will be, until time runs out.

9. To err is human; to shrug is service.

10. There's never enough time to do it right, but there's always enough time to do it over.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

The Cybersalt Digest

Today's Cybersalt Digest is brought to you by:

Cybersalt News

Some sunny days are bad days for a convertible.
http://www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/bad-day-convertible

Enjoy the rest of today's digest.

Here is today's CleanLaugh - "You Know You're a Northerner When…"

~ you know the 4 seasons - winter, still winter, not winter and almost winter
~ you have more miles on your snow blower than your car
~ driving in winter is better, because all the potholes get filled with snow
~ you feel warm and toasty at minus 26
~ you find minus 40 a mite chilly
~ the trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer
~ somewhere in the area is a piece of frozen metal with bits of your tongue stuck to it
~ you thought "Grumpy Old Men" was a documentary
~ men think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown with only eight buttons
~ your dog wears boots too
~ the mayor greets you on the street by your first name
~ if you don't go out for lunch you miss the sunrise and sunset
~ there is a sign outside of McDonalds that says: "Park dogteams in back"
~ if the school district had snow days, no one would ever have to go to school
~ you live in a house that has no front steps, yet the door is one yard above the ground

Today's CleanPun - "Yacht Refinancing"

I went to my bank to refinance a loan on my yacht.

Making small talk with the loan officer, I told her that she was the main reason I came to that branch.

Not even looking up from her paperwork, the loan officer responded, "You don't fool me, sailor. I'll bet you have a woman in every bank."

Today's One Liner

"Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth."

Today's CleanQuote

"Earth's crammed with Heaven, and every common bush afire with God; but only he who sees takes off his shoes."
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Today's Illustration - "Stage Mothers"

Featured Illustration items are well suited for introducing or illuminating a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

A stage mother cornered the concert violinist in his dressing room and insisted he listen to a tape of her talented son playing the violin.

The man agreed to listen, and the woman switched on the tape player. “What music’” the violinist thought. A difficult piece, but played with such genius that it brought tears to his eyes. He listened spellbound to the entire recording.

“Madam,” he whispered is that your son?”

“No, she replied. “That’s Jascha Heifetz. But my son sounds just like him..”

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt.org - a member of the Cybersalt family of sites.

Pastor Tim pastored at Westside Bible Church, Victoria, British Columbia from November 1996 to October 2017.

  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3655 - June 3, 2011
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3654 - June 2, 2011
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3653 - June 1, 2011
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3652 - May 31, 2011

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