I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up, or is there a number to call?
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
To avoid straining your eyes when you're continuously working, follow the 20-20-20 rule; after 20 minutes of work, look at something 20 feet away, then spend 20 years in the forest.
@macabredarklingwaters
If you see a toilet in your dreams, DO NOT USE IT!
Chickens: The pet that poops breakfast!
I just bought this new TV and it says, "Built in Antenna;" I don't even know where that is.
I know it's time to clean out my purse when my car assumes it's a second passenger who is not wearing their seatbelt.
Sadly, I do most of my proof-reading after I hit sned.
Due to inflation, you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds.
The older I get the more I regret all the people I've lost over the years; maybe being a trail guide wasn't such a great idea after all.
I asked my mom if I was adopted ... she said, “Not yet, but we placed an ad.”
- Dana Snow
It's amazing how the sentence "don't believe everything you read on the internet" is the same backwards as it is forwards.
When something goes wrong in your life, just say "Plot Twist!" and move on.
Life is like a roller coaster picture: scary at the moment, fun to look back on.
One day you'll be thankful things didn't work out the way you want them to.
Some days you eat salad and work out; some days you have cupcakes and pizza. It's called balance.