One-liners

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy ... all day.

- Mitch Hedburg

Maybe if we start telling people their brain is an app, they'll want to use it.

Last night my girlfriend was complaining that I never listen to her … or something like that.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

Relationships are a lot like algebra ... have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I changed my password to "incorrect", so whenever I forget what it is the computer will say, "Your password is incorrect."

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus ... or a really cool opotamus?

- Mitch Hedberg

The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.

I heard there were a bunch of break-ins over at the parkade; that is wrong on so many levels.

I know they say that money talks, but all mine says is "Goodbye."

I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.

- Mitch Hedberg

I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the heck is really going on down there? Who is the real hero?

- Mitch Hedberg

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?