One-liners

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

A thief broke into my house last night ... he started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I'm at an age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older ... this is not what I expected.

Cronacoaster: noun; the ups and downs of a pandemic. One day you're loving your bubble, doing work outs, baking banana bread and going for long walks and the next you're crying, drinking gin for breakfast, and missing people you don't even like.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?

Him: To be honest, I never knew she sold flowers.

I love approaching 80 - I learn something new every day and forget five other things!

Life is like a helicopter ... I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned!

Ring your doorbell on your way to bed; this will clear the dogs off of the bed just long enough for you to get comfortable.

To everyone that received a book from me for Christmas, they're due back at the library next Friday.

So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an udder failure?

Chocolate is God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.