One-liners

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

I ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes... really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?

When you think about it, it's the worst possible place for her to sell seashells.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says, "Oh no, here she comes!"

When you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine.

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker - I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!

Turns out you can just buy a birthday cake anytime and eat it yourself - nobody checks.

Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, "Close enough."

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you'll get if you're able to "fall asleep right now."

I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October ... I call it my jingle bell rock.

I thought the dryer made my clothes shrink; turns out it was the refrigerator.