One-liners

I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

"I never called you stupid; but when I asked you how you spelled Mississippi, and you asked if I was talking about the river or the state, it just kind of caught me off guard."

I'm starting meetings at my house for people who have OCD; I don't have it, I'm just hoping they'll take one look and start cleaning.

Auto-correct makes me say things I didn't Nintendo.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, eventually they would find me attractive.

I used to just crastinate, but I got so good, I went pro!

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Often when one door closes and another door opens ... you're in prison.

Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "Do one thing every day that scares you;" and that's why I weigh myself in the mornings.

I just wish pictures and mirrors could agree on what I actually look like.

They say you're not supposed to go to the grocery store when you're hungry; it's been several days now ... what should I do?

The only time I hit the panic button on my car keys is accidentally, and the only person who panics is me!

Deep thoughts of the day: when you clean out a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.

I don't run, and if you ever see me running, you should run too because something is probably chasing me.