One-liners

"I may not be that funny or athletic or good-looking or smart or talented ... I forgot where I was going with this..."

I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.

Don't be worried about your smartphone or TV spying on you ... your vacuum cleaner has been collecting dirt on you for years.

Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave the house.

If 2021 was a math word problem:

If you're going down a river at 2 mph and your canoe loses a wheel, how much pancake mix would you need to re-shingle your roof?

Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Yeah, me neither.

Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

I ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons and tomatoes... really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce, and cheese ... FINE, it was a pizza.... OK, I ate a pizza!  Are you happy now?

When you think about it, it's the worst possible place for her to sell seashells.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

I won't say I'm worn out, but I don't get near the curb on trash day.

Be the kind of woman who, when your feet hit the floor first thing in the morning, the devil says, "Oh no, here she comes!"

When you can't find the sunshine, be the sunshine.

Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.

I'm a multitasker - I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!