Entertainment

An goober goes for a job interview in an office.  The interviewer starts with the basics.  "So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The goober counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying.......  "Ehhhh...  22."

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.  "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag.  She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head.  She checks the measurement and announces ....."Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.  "Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The goober bobs her head from side to side for about fifteen seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying ......."Mandy!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "What were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the goober, " I was just running through that song,......  'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....' ".

"Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the young lady from a nearby city on field trip to the country.

The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of damage with horns. Sometimes we keep 'em trimmed down with a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in, and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle that never grow horns. But the reason this cow don't have no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Jag XK-8 in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues.  As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Jag.  The counsellor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialled 911, and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically.  His Jag, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again, etc., etc., etc.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief.  "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.  "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down?  It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Oh No!" screamed the lawyer.  "Where's my Rolex?"

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner...

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."