Cybersalt Digest Archive


Issue #3925

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Today I am eating a big old humble sandwich with MAYAN-aise on it.  It turns out that all this time I have been using a picture of the Aztec calendar when referring to the Mayan calendar.  I want to thank list members Jo Branson and Walter "I'm not on Facebook" McLauren for being so kind and gentle about pointing this fact out.  Other people get pretty upset about such mistakes.  To them I say, "Chill out - it's not the end of the world!"

BTW, what's the difference between the Mayan and Aztec Calendars?  You can see for yourself at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/mayan-calendar-correction

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

It Sure Is

phone-old-schoolAn elderly couple was just settling in to bed one night when the phone rang.

The husband got out of bed and went into the living room (parlor) to answer the phone.

His wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver (remember those) and went back to bed.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" again and then he said, "Sure is." again. He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked who it was. The man said he didn't know.

A minute later the phone rang again. The husband got out of bed and went into the other room and his wife could hear him say, "Hello?" Then he said, "Sure is." He hung up the receiver and went back to bed.

The wife asked again about the caller. The man said he didn't know who it was.

The wife then asked, "Well, what did the person say?

He said, "It's odd, a woman just keeps saying, "Long distance from Chicago."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0903

December 21_2012"The Mayan calendar predicts that December 21, 2012 will be the most annoying day on Facebook ever,"

Here is today's CleanPun

Went To A Movie

precious-ringI went to a movie . . . there and back again: This is becoming Hobbit-forming.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1351

picture of G. K. Chesterton"There are those who hate Christianity and call their hatred an all-embracing love for all religions."
G.K. Chesterton

Here is today's Illustration

First Impressions

picture of suit and tieA company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he thinks this is his chance to show everyone he means business!

The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "He's the pizza delivery guy."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3924

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

I can't believe the end is coming on Friday - the end of Mayan calendar jokes that is!  Yes, there's a new funny doomsday picture on the Cybersalt today.  You'll find "Oreo OK!" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/oreo-ok

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Banking Woes

picture of bank vault doorThe girl came running in tears to her father. "Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!" she cried.

"I did? What did I tell you?" said the dad.

"You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble."

"What are you talking about? That's one of the largest banks in the world," he said. "Surely there must be some mistake."

"I don't think so," she sniffed. "They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, 'Insufficient Funds'."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0902

picture of a dog poodle do"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner

Here is today's CleanPun

I'm Not Mayan

mayan calenderThe Mayan calendar came up recently when we were trying to schedule our Christmas program.

We wanted to be sure and do it before the 21st, just in case.

However, I got our joking Music Minister when I told him, "I don't have to worry about it. I'm not Mayan; I'm His'n" and pointed skyward.

God is still in control.

- Brenda "Grinning Granny" Carson

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1350

santa wink‎"Thankfully our Savior is not Santa Claus. He gave His best to us because we were not good."
- Moe Bergeron

Here is today's Illustration

Apprehension

picture of face under waterAs a new employee for a discount brokerage firm, I went for a month of classroom training. Warning us about the volume of information we were required to memorize, one trainer suggested we make lots of notes on file cards.

When I completed the course, I was assigned to a team where, as suggested, I taped all the file cards, crammed with notes, onto my computer.

On my first day of trading, a veteran broker sat with me. He immediately noticed all the cards, and my apprehension, so he promptly made up a new card, which he taped to my computer.

It read "Breathe."

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3923

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

We interrupt this Christmas season for a word about the end of the world, Mayan style!

As you undoubtedly have heard by now, the Mayan calendar runs out this Friday, December 21, 2012.  It's the kind of thing that happens when your society is wiped out in the late 17th century and you aren't around to make a follow-up calendar. Now, some bright lights who don't understand the effect an extinct culture can have on its booming calendar industry figure this means the world is going to end on Friday.  That's like me thinking the world is going to end on December 31st because I haven't got a calendar for 2013 yet - though I suspect the one on my iPhone is going to automatically roll over.

Anyway, I do believe that this Friday is going to be a doomsday of sorts - for Mayan calendar jokes.  They will quickly pass from the culture and go where all jokes based on failed doomsday scenarios go - the Cybersalt Doomsday Joke Collection.

Why not take a stroll down Doomsday Memory Lane at:
www.cybersalt.org/doomsday-jokes?Itemid=101160

While you are strolling, don't forget to check out this week's Mayan Calender Weather Forecast at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-pictures/mayan-weather-forecast

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing while you can.

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Know Your States

Map of the USAThe old pastor made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week.

He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name.

They came up with about 40 names.

He jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, "Yes, but in those days there were only 13."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0901

mayan calenderHad the Mayans been any good at predicting the end of the world they would have seen the Spanish coming.

Here is today's CleanPun

Jedi Master

picture of a lightsaberWould you respect a Jedi master blinded by a stick?

Not a single eye Yoda!

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1349

c s_lewis"A great many of those who 'debunk' traditional values have in the background values of their own which they believe to be immune from the debunking process."
- C.S. Lewis

Here is today's Illustration

Delegating

picture of cleaning suppliesThe featured guest on our local radio talk show was a woman who owned a home-cleaning service.

After she described what her clients could expect, the program's telephone lines were opened to the audience. The first caller struck to the heart of every woman who had ever contemplated employing such a service.

Her question: "How much cleaning do I have to do before your people come?"

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 


Issue #3922

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

Sunday greetings everybody. Here's what's new on the Cybersalt site today.

My Christmas message from last week is uploaded to the Westside Bible Church website.  You can listen to "Peace - Get It!" at:
www.westsidefamily.org/christmas-sermons/peace-get-it

Yesterday, I watched a wonderful video of a politician who is Sikh making an appeal that political correctness not dilute the true meaning of Christmas.  You can read what I blogged about that video (and watch the video) at:
www.cybersalt.org/cybersalt-shaker/merry-christmas-back-to-you-nina-grewal

Finally, there is a new commentary from Rev. James Snyder on the site today.  My plan is to refer to the Mayan Calendar thing tomorrow, but he has done it today at:
www.cybersalt.org/gods-penman/so-this-is-how-the-world-ends

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

The Wedding Dress

picture of a wedding dressBetty was soon to be married.

More than anything, she wanted to wear the wedding dress her mother was married in. Betty's mother was beaming with pride as she gave her consent.

Later in the evening, the family gathered in the living room to wait while Betty tried on the dress.

When Betty entered the room, there was a chorus of approval. The dress fit perfectly and looked wonderful on her.

Tears ran down the face of Betty's mother.

Seeing this, Betty said, "Don't worry Mom, you're not losing a daughter, your gaining a son."

"Forget about that!" she said with a sob.

"I used to fit into that dress!"

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Issue #3921

Today's Table of Contents

Cybersalt News

There is a new funny sign picture on the Cybersalt site today.  You'll find "For Lease Graffiti" at:
www.cybersalt.org/funny-christmas-pictures/for-lease-graffiti

Enjoy the rest of today's mailing!

Here is today's CleanLaugh

Excerpts From Actual Letters Sent To Landlords

picture of for rent sign1. "The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared."

2. "This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door."

3. "I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall."

4. "I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen."

5. "Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces."

6. "Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant."

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Here is today's One-liner

One-liner #0900

picture of christmas foodI’m just glad it’s illegal to eat healthy during December. 

Here is today's CleanPun

Prince Pudding

prince-williamNever offer Jello to Prince William: you might be accused of pudding on heirs.

Here is today's CleanQuote

Quote #1348

A picture of Sir Winston Churchill"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened."
- Sir Winston Churchill

Here is today's Illustration

Motivating Others

Picture of a newspaperJohn, a neighbor of mine, was annoyed because he had to search for his newspaper each morning after the paperboy tossed it. Often he would find it, covered with dirt, under the car in the gravel driveway. Then one-day the paperboy's mother mentioned that her son's ambition was to play professional basketball. John had an idea.

When he got home, he attached a basketball hoop to a post on the front porch. Sure enough, the next morning there was a resounding "plunk" as the newspaper sailed through the hoop and landed by the door.

John never had to search for his paper again.

Featured Illustrations are items well suited for illustrating or inspiring a point in a sermon, speech, or devotional. Funny, moving, or perhaps even graphic, the point of them is the point you make with them.

The Cybersalt Digest is a ministry of Pastor Tim and Cybersalt

www.cybersalt.org

 
  1. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3920 - December 14, 2012
  2. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3919 - December 13, 2012
  3. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3918 - December 12, 2012
  4. The Cybersalt Digest - Issue #3917 - December 11, 2012

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