One-liners

My spouse says I have two faults; I don't listen and ... something else.

I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.

Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.

I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights!

You don't realize how old you are until you get down on the floor and then try to get back up.

When they said, "History repeats itself," I wasn't expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

We all get heavier as we get older because there's a lot more information in our heads; that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

"My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."

- Buddy Hackett

I'm at a place in my life where errands are starting to count as going out.

A thief broke into my house last night ... he started searching for money so I got up and searched with him.

I'm at an age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older ... this is not what I expected.