I got pulled over in the HOV lane for driving alone. I said that due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me!
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Went shopping while hungry; now I'm the proud owner of aisle 6.
I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights.
Do we even need Halloween anymore - I've been wearing a mask and eating candy for 18 months...
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness; I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."
Prayer is the original wireless communication.
Having a weird mom builds character.
My wife told me I was immature this morning; so I told her to get out of my fort!
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
- K. Vonnegut
I always say "Thank you" to Alexa so that when the machines take over they know I'm nice.
My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking.
The Institute of Unfinished Research has concluded that 6 out of 10 people
It amazes me how much "exercise" and "extra fries" sound alike.
The longest drum solo was 10 hours and 26 minutes and was performed by the child sitting behind me on Delta flight 963 from LA to Tokyo.
Do clouds ever look down on us and say that one is shaped like a goober?