Advice #3:
If you don't' know, why ask?
One-liners
A great collection of clean, funny one-liners!
Advice #2:
It pays to buy things you dislike; they last much longer.
Advice #1:
No one can complain who has not been lost and never heard of again.
With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down;' with a banana, however, it is quite the opposite: yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'
- Mitch Hedberg
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
I like to play blackjack; I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
- Mitch Hedberg
"No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
Another World's Oldest Man has died; this is beginning to look suspicious.
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles' elbow.
Don't use a big word when a singularly unloquacious and diminutive linguistic expression will satisfactorily accomplish the contemporary necessity.
My dad would swear then say, "Excuse my French!"
One day the teacher asked if anyone could speak a foreign language and I raised my hand.
The hardest part of parenting is realizing that it is your circus and those definitely are your monkeys.
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest!